I have been trying to write this post for a couple of days now. It's turning out to be unexpectedly difficult. for a variety of reasons.
I guess I will start with a conversation I had with a friend, who said to me seve3ral months ago: "I'm going to an 'Introduction to Zen Buddhism' weekend-long retreat in a couple of weeks." I was instantly fascinated, asking questions about where it was, why he was going, what he know about the program, and so on. After he returned we talked about his experience, and I knew I wanted to try it as well.
Those of you who have been following along with my travels this year may remember that I described the first 'road-trip' (back in Jan-Feb) as a kind of personal pilgrimage. There had been some things I was struggling with in my life, and a lot of exploration and hard work in trying to move into a new phase of life. I felt like I made progress in that couple of months, but that there was also a long way to go.
There were some more episodes of travel in March and April, as well as plans for May - and I had already made the decision to start another road-trip around the beginning of June, again likely to last a couple of months plus/minus. The Mensa Foundation Colloquium and Board Meeting, along with the American Mensa Annual Gathering, are happening in Sparks, NV from July 5th through 10th. So I would have somewhere around 4 weeks on the road, then a week in NV, and then another 4 weeks on the road.
When it turned out there was another Introduction to Zen Buddhism retreat scheduled from June 3rd to 5th I thought - what better way to start my next road-trip? And I registered.
I arrived at the monastery late afternoon on Friday, June 3rd. It's in an idyllic spot in NY state, just a little west of Woodstock. I immediately felt at home - there are trees everywhere. After going through the registration process and having a quick tour including being shown to my dorm room (4 sets of bunk beds, with 6 of us in there) and doing a small amount of settling in, it was time for dinner in the dining hall.
Some pictures from the monastery. Outside and also inside the dining hall.
This was the schedule for the weekend:
Friday
6:00 - 6:30 Light Supper
7:30 - 9:00 Beginning Instruction in Zazdn (sitting meditation)
Introduction to the Retreat
9:30 Lights out (Silence observed until end of Saturday morning service)
Saturday
4:55 Wake-up (Silence observed)
5:30 - 6:30 Dawn Zazen, Dokusan, Daisan
6:30 - 6:50 Morning Service
7:10 - 7:40 Breakfast
8:15 - 9:40 Caretaking Practice (Meet in Dining Hall - silence observed)
10:00 - 12:00 Retreat sessions
12:00 - 1:00 Lunch
1:30 - 5:00 Retreat sessions
5:00 - 6:00 Break
6:00 - 6:30 Light Supper (Silence observed at 6:40)
7:30 - 9:00 Zazen, Dokusan, Daisan
9:30 Lights out (Silence observed)
Sunday
6:15 Wake-up
6:45 - 7:15 Breakfast
7:45 - 8:45 Caretaking Practice (Meet in Dining Hall - silence observed)
9:00 - 9:30 Morning Service
9:30 - 12:00 Zazen, Dharma Discourse, Dharma Talk, Seniors Talk
12:00 - 1:30 Community Lunch and Clean-up, Departure for participants
One of the great things about this experience is that we (the weekend participants) had the opportunity to take part in multiple practices. The 'Eight Gates' include Zazen, Zen Study, Academic Study, Liturgy, Right Action, Art Practice, Body Practice and Work Practice. We did Zazen, and spoke about study and liturgy. Part of the Saturday sessions included art practice and body practice, and we all took part in work practice.
And what did I find? This is the hard part. I found the weekend amazing. And intense. And thought-provoking. And emotional. And in some ways overwhelming.
The silence periods were (somewhat surprisingly) not difficult. I appreciated the cocoon it created as I went through the experience. Working in communal silence did seem strange sometimes, but natural as well. Being still was both easy and extremely difficult. We were instructed to focus on our breath when in sitting meditation, counting breath. When one's focus moved to a thought and away from the breath, one should acknowledge the thought and let it go and then refocus on one's breath. That also seemed pretty simple to me. I realized that I use a very abbreviated Zazen sort of technique when things get chaotic in my life; I just take a few seconds and breath, focus on breathing. It gives me a quiet respite from the chaos and allows me to then get back to what I was doing.
I admit that the actual physical act of sitting, without moving, for 25 or 35 minutes, was NOT easy for me. I am going to need to develop some stamina in that area if I pursue Zazen.
The most difficult thing for me though was the perspective of what self is - or rather isn't. From a book that we were given: "To study the Buddha Way is to study the self, and to study the self, ultimately, is to forget the self." What happens when you forget the self? What is it that remains when there is no longer a self? Everything. Everything remains. The whole phenomenal universe remains. The only difference is that there is no longer a separation between you and it.
As I said above, the weekend was somewhat overwhelming. I have been working very hard over the last 18 or so months to try to figure out my true self. And now I have been confronted (for some fleeting moments) by a way of life that says self is, in effect not real or necessary. I'm not quite sure how to reconcile this, at least at this point in time. And yet, I could feel real resonance in even this limited exposure to this way of being in the world.
I think I just need more time to reconcile this, and to process it. There are ways for me to continue to engage with ZMM and I think I will pursue them. I found something valuable in Zazen, sitting in meditation with others. I guess the seeking continues.
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